Ring The Bells, The Witch Is Dead
by attaasa
Summary: -completed- skinny dipping in the school pool, shovels, spice gardens, dark stormy nights and zombies. Sora has asked Kairi out, but how does Riku feel about it? eventually RS
1. Sora's question

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts doesn't belong to me, and the characters belong to Tetsuya Nomura (I think... he designed them, at least) and I'm not getting money for this fic even though I wish I was, because that would make my life so much easier...and yadda yadda yadda

This is my fic... Please read and review, I love reviews! Oh, and by the way, if you like Kairi you won't like certain bits of the story... but please try and keep an open mind and read anyway. so... on to the fic!

* * *

It was a week before the end of school, and the classroom was filled with chaos. The teacher had announced to the class two days prior that he had finished teaching the curriculum, and they were too exited about the end of the year to actually learn anything, and, frankly, he needed to work on his shopping list because his wife had invited guests to come over during the weekend. At this the class had erupted with cheers, and the algebra 2 teacher pressed on. He told them that they needed to keep their voices at a reasonable volume so that they wouldn't disturb the classes that were still in session. Of course this didn't happen, but it really made no difference, since there _were_ no classes that were still in session. 

"Really, I don't see why they're even keeping us in school. It's not as if we're actually _doing_ anything," muttered Riku. He and Sora were sitting on the radiators at the back of the classroom. Of course, the grill of the radiator was painful on the bum, but they were used to it by now. Sora sat with his legs swinging childishly, he was looking longingly out the partway-open window. Riku sat with his legs crossed and his back leaning lightly against the glass. His platinum hair caught the sun, making him seem as majestic as ever.

He waved his gloved hand around vaguely. "We could be swimming in the ocean right now. Instead were stuck in here with these…" Riku indicated the classroom with his hand, "…cretins."

One boy picked up another, and swung him around while one of their friends slapped his (the boys, not his own) butt playfully. Behind them another boy was arm wrestling a girl who was wearing a ridiculously short skirt. The girl was winning repeatedly. Farther away in the corner, unknown to the teacher, a group of students were playing strip poker.

Riku watched with apathy as a boy took off his shirt. Riku turned his cerulean eyes back on Sora when he heard his friend sigh loudly.

Sora met Riku's gaze, "I wanna go _swimming_," he whined. Riku laughed and ruffled his friend's already messy hair.

"And I want to kick Wakka's butt in blitzball."

Sora sighed, crossed his arms over his chest and looked back to the window, missing some guy get humped by two of his (obviously horny) friends. Riku glared at them, then turned to Sora.

"Class gets out in a minute."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well… didn't you say you wanted to go swimming?"

Sora looked down with a sigh. "Yeah… but you know my mom said that I'm not allowed to go down to the beach before the end of school…"

"I don't remember saying anything about the beach…" Riku raised an eyebrow and grinned after he said those words.

The bell rang and the two friends stood up; they walked out of the classroom side by side.

"Not the beach?" Sora asked skeptically.

"Nope, the pool," Riku replied innocently, not even turning his head.

Sora stopped. "The pool? What pool?" It took Riku a moment to notice that his shortie of a friend wasn't with him.

"You know, the school pool. I'll take you, if you're willing to skip Biology that is."

"I'm _willing_ to skip Biology, but I'm pretty sure that the school doesn't have a pool." Sora caught up to Riku.

"Well, then I guess it's settled. We're going swimming!" The silver-haired boy grabbed his friends arm and dragged him down the hallway. At the end of the hall was a plain-looking door. Riku glanced around; when he was sure that no one was paying the two of them any attention he opened the door and dragged Sora inside. The door opened up to a set of stairs, and Riku urged his friend to go up.

"Where are we going?" asked Sora.

"To the pool on the roof."

"Riku! There _is_ no pool on the roof! That's just a myth to trap unsuspecting freshmen!" Sora shook his head in pity. Riku had always had strange conspiracy theories, but this was going a bit far.

They finally came to another door at the top of the stairs. Riku paused and turned to Sora, on his face was a maniac grin.

"That's just what They want you to think!" Sora grimaced. "They." It always came down to "Them." Riku opened the door.

The pair walked out into the sweltering heat of the roof. Sora gasped as he saw a large pool smack-dab in the middle of it. He turned to Riku with wide eyes. "B-but..."

"You see, Sora, the faculty has a lot of secrets. By making this here pool 'a myth to trap unsuspecting freshmen' they have effectively kept anyone from finding out. And even if someone _did_ find out, no one would believe them." Sora couldn't help but think that Riku sounded a bit insane, but was brought out of his thoughts when Riku poked him hard between the ribs. "Well? Are we going swimming or have you changed your mind?"

"But Riku, we don't have our swimming suits!" Riku only raised an eyebrow. "B-but Riku!" Sora turned beet red.

Riku had pulled off his shirt and was now unzipping his pants. "I don't see what the big deal is, Sora, it's not as if we hadn't seen each other naked." Of course he doesn't see what the big deal is, thought Sora, he has... questionable morals!

This train of thought was forgotten as Sora looked at the water longingly and decided that Riku was right. Riku was always right. Sora also began pulling off his clothes. He threw them to the side and jumped into the pool with the rather overused yell of 'geronimo!'

The water was a welcome relief from the sweltering heat, and the time flew by.

The lunch bell, only a faint sound to the boys on the roof, rang as Riku and Sora were playing a charmful game of let's-see-if-I-can-make-the-other-more-wet-then-he-already-is. So far it was a tie.

Sora looked up and blinked, he hadn't realized that so much time had passed. He turned to see Riku sliding out of the pool.

"Where are you going?" asked a puzzled Sora. Riku plopped onto a pool chair and turned his face up to the sun.

"I'm hungry, but I want to dry off before I put on my clothes."

"Awww... Come on Riku, don't be boring! Wouldn't you rather swim then eat?"

"Nope," was the calm response. Sora pouted, but this was completely wasted on Riku, who had closed his eyes. Sora contemplated splashing Riku with water, but when he remembered how much stronger and taller his silver-haired friend was, he decided against it. Instead he also got out of the pool and went to sit next to Riku. By this time Sora had gotten rid of any qualms that he had had about swimming naked in a pool on a roof with an equally naked friend.

"Hey, Riku, are we gonna come back here tomorrow?"

When he got no answer, he turned around to look at his friend. "Well, Riku?" His friend, who was very good at ignoring him. Sora exhaled loudly and drummed his fingers against the chair. He was bored with this in a matter of seconds. He stood up and went to his clothes. He wasn't dry, but he was _bored_!

"Are you dry yet, Riku?" he whined. When he, once again, got no answer he figured that his friend must be asleep. He walked over the silver-haired boy and poked him. "Hey, Riku, are you awake?"

Riku sat up with a start, then turned his cerulean eyes at the shorter boy in annoyance. "Geez, Sora! I swear sometimes you have ADD! Can't you amuse yourself for five minutes?"

"No, that's what I have friends for. _You're_ supposed to be amusing me, Riku. And you're being booooring."

Riku sighed. He stood up and walked over to his clothes, but still took his own sweet time in putting them on. Sora bounced on the balls of his feet impatiently. Suddenly, something caught his attention, something bright and colorful.

"Look, Riku! A butterfly!" Sora chased after it, but stopped when he was at the edge of the pool. The butterfly flew further upwards and Sora turned his head to look at it. It started to flutter behind him, and when he leaned back to keep looking at it, he lost his balance.

Sora let out a strangled cry of 'Riku!' as he fell. Riku rushed forward to catch Sora before he fell into the pool, but had underestimated Sora's weight. They both plunged into the pool with a large splash.

* * *

The cafeteria went silent as two soaking wet boys came through the door. 

"D'you remember when we were in elementary school, there were rumors that high school food would be better?"

"Yeah. I _started_ those rumors."

Riku and Sora reached the lunch line and picked up trays.

"So _that's_ why they weren't true!"

"Nah, they _are_ true."

Sora looked at Riku skeptically. "How so?"

"In elementary they fed us rubber hot dogs, but now they feed us cardboard pizza. I don't know about you, but _I_ would rather eat cardboard than rubber."

Sora put a piece of old and disease-ridden-looking pizza on his pink foam tray.

"I guess..."

Riku looked pointedly at Sora's tray.

"Plus, cardboard actually has nutritional value."

"Oh, 'cause it comes from trees?"

"Yeah"

They had reached the cashier, and Riku fished around in his pocket for a soaked bill, which he shoved at the lunch lady despite her obvious disgust. She took it by the corner and put it somewhere off to the side before giving Riku his change.

"What about rubber?"

"... That also comes from trees."

Riku leaned, almost _posed_,against the doorframe as he waited for Sora to pay.

Sora pushed Riku playfully. "Oh, come on, Riku. When we were five-"

"_You_ were five, I was six."

They left the lunchroom and headed to their customary seat on the stairs.

"- you would always try to be all knowing. Whenever I asked you a question that you didn't know the answer to, you would answer 'it comes from trees'"

"So? I was right, most of the time."

Sora giggled. "I remember you told me that babies came from trees."

"That's because I didn't want to scar you for life! You really _should_ show me some gratitude!" Riku replied indignantly.

"Hey, guys!" came an overly peppy voice in front of them.

Sora's eyes immediately glazed over and a goofy grin blossomed on his face at the site of Kiari. She ran up to them and threw her arms around Sora's neck.

"Sooooooraaaaaa! Oh, I missed you! Where were you? Why are you all wet?" she gushed.

_Riku scowled. "Get your hands off of him you ugly, red-haired bimbo!" He grabbed Sora away from her, then turned back and growled. "He's mine, you slut!"_

Riku blinked. "Hello, Kiari." He smiled pleasantly at her, but it seemed somehow lacking in emotion. Kiari had hugged a soaking-wet Sora, and now the front of her white tank top was completely see-through. Riku snickered quietly. Kairi was apparently wearing a _majorly_ padded bra.

"Guess I was right, those _weren't_ real," he muttered.

"What's that, Riku?" asked Sora. Riku shook his head, and the younger teen promptly forgot about it. Kiari took Sora's arm and led him to the stairs. Riku trailed dejectedly after. He sat with Wakka and started an empty conversation about blitzball. All the while Kiari was outrageously flirting with Sora who was flirting (shyly) back. Riku was pleased to note that Sora's heart didn't seem to be in it today.

Riku gave himself a mental pat on the back. Operation "Seduce Sora" was working perfectly, if a bit slowly. He knew that when he showed the pool to Sora it would get him at least to the second stage of the plan. He was now at the point where sexual tension would start to build up. Already Sora wasn't as interested in the ugly bimbo as much as he was before. Yessss... his plan was working perfectly...

* * *

_Briiiinnnngggg_

_Briiiinnnngggg_

_Briiinnnngggg_

Riku groaned and reached over to pick up the receiver. "Yeah...?" he asked in a groggy voice.

"Riku!" Sora's voice. "Riku, I'm so glad that I reached you."

"Eh...? Sora? What... what are you doing? It's..." Riku squinted to see his alarm clock. After a while he gave up and pushed himself up from the bed. "It's either really late or really early..."

"Riku, I need your advice-"

"I'm sure you do. But do you really need it _now_?"

"This can't wait, Riku, I have to solve this by tomorrow!"

Riku sighed. "Alright. What is it?"

"You see, I like this person..." Riku blinked and sat up straighter. Already? He didn't think that his plan would be so effective. ALRIGHT!

"And, I'm not sure if they like me back, I don't know what to do..."

"I think that you should just tell this person how you feel about them."

"Thanks, Riku! I'll tell Kairi that I like her tomorrow!"

The phone receiver fell from Riku's hand and made a soft sound on the carpet.

...KAIRI?

* * *

Strangely enough, that chapter took me a very long time. Oh, and there is a plot, it just hasn't happened yet... Please review!


	2. Riku's reaction

Disclaimer: yadda yadda yadda nothing belongs to me, etc. I think we covered this in the first chapter

Welcome to the next chapter of Ring The Bells, The Witch Is Dead! Although I'm sure you know what you're reading. I hope you enjoy, and leave me a review!

I'd like to thank Kara Heart, Queen of the Insects, mango smoothies, Lack Thereof, and pikazim for their lovely and encouraging reviews! Thank-you muchly, guys. This is very much appreciated! Yeah... the horny guys _are_ from our math class. And yes, I know that most freshmen take algebra 1, but Riku isn't a freshman. I just wanted Riku and Sora to be in the same first period class, and that was the only thing I could think of. Of course, this is implying that Sora is really smart, which kinda conflicts with his cannon image...

OH! This chapter is where the story gets its pg-13 rating, you have been warned!

* * *

Riku dejectedly stirred his milkshake with a straw and watched the 'happy couple' coo over each other. When he saw Kairi grasp Sora's hand and lean against his side, he wanted to puke. 

Riku scowled. He hated that girl. Why couldn't she just disappear? Yes... that would be wonderful. And then Sora would be terribly sad, and who would be there to comfort him? Why, Riku, of course! And then they could live a wonderful and happy life together, but more importantly - without the red-haired bimbo.

Kairi looked at her watch, then stood up. "Sorry, guys. I have to go, my parents are taking me to see some kinda play or something..." She smiled, waved, and left to a chorus of good-natured good-bye's. Riku narrowed his eyes as he watched her retreating back. He hated that girl.

He hovered over his drink, not looking up, as Sora, Wakka, and Tidus talked about bananas and snow and lessons and a bizarre mix of the three. Naturally, he missed the concerned looks that he was getting from his friends. From the moment that they had entered the Smoothie Hut an hour ago, he hadn't said a word. He fumed as he thought of Sora and Kairi.

"That BITCH!" he exclaimed suddenly. Sora, Wakka, and Tidus's heads turned with a snap to look at him.

"...I guess you could say that... but isn't that a bit extreme?" asked Wakka after a while.

Riku turned to him with a puzzled look in his eyes. "...What?"

Tidus stepped in to answer the question. "Britney Spears... We were just talking about how she got divorced after being married for only a couple hours..."

"..." Riku raised an eyebrow. "I have to go." He stood up and walked regally to the door of the Smoothie Hut. His three friends looking after him in surprise.

Sora stood up. "Riku, where are you going?" he called. Without even turning around Riku raised his hand in a makeshift wave before leaving the building. Sora sat down slowly. "What was _that_ about?"

* * *

Riku strolled through the streets with his hands in his pockets. He looked around idly as he walked farther and farther away from the Smoothie Hut. Something caught his attention when his eyes skimmed past the window of a small French restaurant. 

Riku found that he couldn't look away from the window. Instead, he drew forward with hesitant steps as his hands left his pockets to press up against the glass. The occupants of the restaurant took no notice. A boy and a girl sat at the table by the window, they were smiling and talking animatedly. Then the boy leaned over and kissed the girl, which in turn buried her hands in his hair to pull him closer.

The girl was Kairi.

Riku gasped. She was definitely _not _seeing a play with her parents! She was cheating on _his _Sora! Oh she will pay, thought Riku, oh how she will pay...

* * *

"So, Kairi, how was the play?" asked Riku with feigned disinterest. 'The gang' was sitting in their favorite hangout spot, the Smoothie Hut, once again. 

Kairi looked startled. "Oh! The play?"

"Yes. The one that you went to with your parents yesterday. Which one was it?"

"It was... Romeo and Juliet." Only Riku noticed the slight uncertainess in her voice. "It really isn't worth mentioning..." Kairi continued.

"Romeo and Juliet...? That's quite impossible. The play that's currently being performed in the Destiny Islands theatre is Fall From Proust."

Kairi looked a little taken back before replying sharply. "Well, it _must_ be possible, Riku. My parents and I saw it."

Riku narrowed his eyes. And now she was lying through her teeth. He smiled one of his seemingly friendly, but totally empty, smiles and dropped the subject with a quiet "Of course." Sora shot Riku a why-are-you-badgering-my-girlfriend look that only made Riku angrier at the red-haired girl. She was _ruining_ his and Sora's friendship. It was at that moment that Riku decided what he would do to Kairi. Yes, Sora would be upset for a while, but it would all be for Sora's own good in the end.

* * *

It was Friday night and the sky was rapidly growing dark. Kairi was sitting on the paopu tree, waiting. Riku had said that he had something to show her, and to meet him here. She smiled and swung her legs. Now was her chance to rub her and Sora's relationship into Riku's face again. She grinned, and suddenly her eyes went wide, and she fell off the trunk of the tree.

* * *

Riku was smiling maniacally as he walked over the bridge to the small island. His shoes made almost no noise on the sand as he neared the slim figure sitting on the paopu tree. Kairi was humming softly, and it made the already wide smile on Riku's face even wider. He had a large, heavy shovel slung over his shoulder. 

He moved directly behind Kairi and slowly grasped the shovel tightly in both hands. He raised the shovel over the head of his unsuspecting victim, then swung with all of his might.

The shovel made a dull crack as it hit her head. She made a soft noise, then fell off of the tree. Riku stood behind her, grinning.

He dropped the shovel, then went around the tree. He checked the girl's vital signs. She had no pulse. Riku picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. He then picked up the shovel and headed to the secret place, whistling a merry tune.

When he reached the entrance he dropped Kairi's body roughly to the ground, then bent down so that he could get into the entrance. He reached behind him and grabbed his dead friend, dragging her into the secret place after him. After this was done, he returned for the shovel.

He picked up the shovel and began digging. It didn't take long for Riku to dig a hole big enough to fit Kairi's body into it, she was very slim, after all. He quickly dumped her into the hole, and filled it back in with dirt. He patted the dirt thoughtfully. The witch was dead! Riku clapped his hands gleefully at a job well done. Before leaving the secret place he paused and looked around. His eyes stopped on the drawing of Sora and Kairi giving each other a paopu fruit. He picked up a rock and walked up to the drawing. He crossed out the picture of Kairi, stepped back to admire his work, then moved forward and crossed it out some more. After a while all that was left of Kairi's picture was a white spot. Riku smiled, grabbed the shovel, then left. Riku all out laughed as he put the shovel up on his shoulder again.

Oh, _yes_. Life would be good without the red-haired bimbo.

* * *

On Tuesday, Riku woke up feeling refreshed. He was in a wonderful mood! The witch was dead, and the gang was meeting today, which meant that Riku would finally get to see the now-single Sora. Of course Sora didn't _know_ that he was single… but that wasn't such a big a problem. 

Riku rolled out of bed eagerly. He padded bare-footed across the cold floor, took a speedy shower, then threw on his usual outfit. As he was walking out the door his hair was still damp, his breath smelled minty-fresh, the air was warm, and the birds were singing.

Yes, he had been right. Life _was_ wonderful without the witch.

It took him some time to walk to the Smoothie Hut, so when he arrived he was a bit late. He sat down across from Sora with the question "...so where's the bimbo?"

"The bimbo?" asked Sora blankly.

"He means Kairi, man," explained Wakka.

"Kairi? Why would you call her that?" Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka looked at Sora as if he was crazy. Apparently Sora was the only one who hadn't noticed Riku's dislike of his girlfriend. "I haven't seen her at all..." continued Sora. He was obviously distraught. He didn't notice that he was ripping open more and more sugar packets over his already-sweet smoothie. Finally Riku slid the glass away and pulled the sugar packets from Sora's fingers. He called a waiter and ordered another smoothie for Sora and a coffee for himself. The waiter nodded and took the ruined smoothie back to the kitchen. After this was done, Riku turned back to his best friend.

"Sora, relax." Apparently Sora hadn't even realized that he was no longer holding the sugar packet. His hands were still performing the motions of pouring sugar into a smoothie. Riku uncontiously counted the number of imaginary packets that Sora was going through. _23... 24... 25... 26..._

"But Riku! I haven't seen her since Friday! That's... four days! She missed our date to go roller-blading. She loves roller-blading!" Sora didn't even look up as he said these words, but looked at the table where his imaginary sugar was piling up.

Riku reached over and took Sora's hands in his own, successfully stilling their frantic motions. Sora looked up into Riku's face.

"I'm sure she's _fine_, Sora. Relax, it's not the end of the world." Riku saw Sora's face soften.

"Yeah... Yeah, I guess you're right," replied Sora.

"Well, guys. We have to go, Wakka and Tidus are teaching me to play blitzball," said Selphie with a wink to Riku.

"What? What are you-" began Tidus before he was cut off by Selphie's elbow connecting with his ribcage. He glared at her before telling Sora to stand up, then sliding out of his seat. Before leaving, Selphie winked at Riku again. "Good luck with him," she whispered. She knew what Riku was trying to do, and supported him all the way. Her boyfriend was stolen by Kairi once, and Selphie thought that Kairi should have the benefit of the same experience.

Once they were alone, Riku turned to the oblivious Sora. "Sora," began the silver-haired boy, "I think that we should talk about Kairi."

Sora looked up into Riku's eyes. "What- Kairi? What about Kairi? Do you know where she is?"

_"Yes, I do know where she is. She's buried in the secret place under a foot of dirt."_

"I want to talk to you about something that I noticed..." said Riku. He continued as Sora looked eagerly at him, "I noticed that she seemed a bit... distant lately."

"Distant? What do you mean?"

"Well, whenever you two were together, wasn't she constantly looking at her watch?"

Sora blinked. "Well... yes. But that doesn't mean anything." He sounded uncertain, as if he was trying to convince himself with the comment.

"Actually, that means that she's bored and or eager to go somewhere else."

"How do _you _know?"

"The Books, Sora! The Books! Book seven, page 326, _body language_." Sora grumbled a bit but then nodded. The Books were never wrong. On his thirteenth birthday Riku received a set of nine extremely detailed encyclopedias, and after that he became rather obsessed with studying them and then quoting passages from them at his friends.

"So what exactly are you saying, Riku?"

"I'm saying that she's... not quite as interested in dating you as she seemed to be a month ago."

"So... do you think that she's avoiding me?"

Riku nodded solemnly. It was only lying if you actually _said _anything, right?

"I think that you should forget about Kairi, Sora."

"Forget... I-I think you're right, Riku." Riku nodded in approval, and then leaned forward.

"So. Now that we're over _that_. How would you like to go surfing?"

"I'd love to go surfing!" Sora and Riku stood up and walked out of the Smoothie Hut. "You _do_ know that I can't surf... Right, Riku?"

* * *

Riku and Sora were sitting on the Paopu Tree, watching the sunset. Riku was looking distractedly off at the clouds on the horizon. It was Sunday evening, and it was wonderful. Sora had spent most of the week with Riku, and was starting to see something where before he had seen nothing. He started realizing that he was ... attracted to Riku. It seemed to him that his attraction wasn't one-sided. Even now, Sora was acutely aware of Riku's arm resting lightly over his shoulders, pulling him closer to Riku's side. Sora relaxed and leaned on Riku with a sigh. 

This was what showed Riku that he was at the last stage of operation "Seduce Sora." He had done it! And now all he had to do was to make sure...

Riku pulled away from Sora and grasped his friend's shoulders, turning Sora gently to face him. "You see, Sora, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you for the past week..." Sora looked at him with questioning eyes. "You see, I really like you..." Riku trailed off, then looked straight into Sora's eyes. "As more then a friend."

Sora sat stunned for a moment, just looking at Riku. And then his sky-blue eyes lit up with a smile. "I like you too, Riku."

Sora blushed and looked down. Suddenly he looked up as he remembered something. "As more then just a friend," he added hastily. Riku smiled and tucked a lock of brown hair behind Sora's ear, but after he did this, his hand lingered on Sora's face.

"So..." Riku's voice was almost a whisper. "Now that we know that we both like each other... How would you like to go out sometime...?"

Sora was blushing profusely now. "O-of course," he stuttered nervously.

"It's a date, then..." Riku's voice trailed off as he leaned towards Sora. The smaller brown-haired boy turned up his face and his eyes fluttered closed. Sora and Riku's lips softly touched-

"Sora, you BASTARD! I was dead for only a week and already you're moving on?"

* * *

Dun dun duuuuuun. Has Kairi come back from the dead? Is she angry? What is she going to do? And more importantly, will Sora and Riku survive? 

So anyway, sorry about the cliff hanger. -laughs- no, I'm really not... So stay tuned for the next chapter, oh, and please review!


	3. Kairi's Anger

Welcome one and all to the last chapter of Ring The Bells, The Witch Is Dead! I hope you all enjoy this!  
I would like to thank Queen of the Insects, Smiley-chan, mango smoothies, Khlover, and Lack Thereof for their lovely reviews. Thank you!  
This fic was inspired by a picture by the lovely naito-chi of deviantART (http/ naito-chi. deviantart. com)the picture itself is at http/ www. deviantart. com/ deviation/ 12704734/ Just wanted to give credit where creadit is due :) You have to take out the spaces, though

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, yadda yadda yadda

* * *

Kairi (or at least, Kairi's corpse) was standing in front of them, her hands on her hips. Her skin had started rotting away and peeling. Her clothes, and her in general, were covered with a thick layer of dirt and grime. Her hair was ragged, and the back of her head was stained with blood. 

Sora and Riku sprang apart in surprise. After all, the rotting corpse of a former friend staring angrily at you was not an everyday occurrence. Or at least, one could hope.

Sora grabbed on to Riku's shirt. "Riku... I see dead people..." (1)

Riku wasn't as surprised by the appearance of Kairi as Sora was. He had somehow known that this was too good to be true, and that Kairi would come and SCREW IT ALL UP.

"You're cheating on me a _week_ after I died?"

Riku came to his senses first, and stood up in anger. "Look who's talking! _You _were cheating on Sora a week _before _you died."

Sora stood up also, he hid behind Riku and clutched the back of his shirt tightly "What's going on, Riku? Is this some kind of joke?"

"Believe me, Sora. My jokes are funny."

Kairi teetered towards them on unsteady legs, and the boys stepped back. She pointed an angry, decaying finger at them.

"First, I get bashed over the head with what felt like a shovel, _then_ I wake up to find myself _underground_, and _then_, when I finally manage to _claw my way out_, I come here to find my boyfriend smooching my best friend!"

Riku narrowed his eyes. "You were never my best friend. Infact, I hate you!" It was now Riku's turn to point, and Kairi's turn to step back. "Infact, I think that you're a-" Riku looked her over, "dirty-haired bimbo!"

Kairi gasped. "Well, you know, I was only gonna eat Sora's and my killers' brains, but just for that, I'll eat yours, too!"

"Oh, big deal. You would have eaten them anyway," Riku grumbled. Two pairs of eyes immediately focused him.

Kairi lunged at them with a scream that sounded like "you will die," but the sheer volume of it slurred the words together, so really, she could have been yelling anything. Riku grabbed Sora's hand and yanked him out of the way. He ran across the bridge to the door to the stairs, dragging Sora after him. Kairi screamed in anger, and started limping slowly after them. Apparently the time she had spent underground had weakened her limbs.

Once they got to the door, Riku fumbled with the doorknob, giving Sora a breather. The younger boy kept frantically looking from his ex-girlfriend to his new boyfriend. Finally the shock of the situation drained away enough for him to ask the Question.

"Riku," he began quietly, "_you killed Kairi?_" he asked, his voice escalating. "_How could you_?"

Riku suddenly yanked Sora's hand, pulling him down to the floor. The place where Sora's head was a moment ago, a thick butcher knife vibrated in the wood.

"Do you feel sorry for her _now_?" asked Riku angrily.

"Well... no..." Sora felt a little badly for his words. "I didn't know that she could throw so well..." Sora commented vaguely as he watched Riku struggle with the door.

"Most importantly, where did she get that knife?"

Sora looked it over, as he was a bit calmer now. Yes, Kairi was a zombie, and, yes, she was trying to kill them. But, being a zombie, she was very slow. In fact, Kairi was only half way across the bridge, and it seemed that it would take her another half-hour to reach them.

"I think it's yours, Riku."

Riku let go of the door and leaned in to look more closely at the knife. His name was clearly written on the handle in permanent ink.

"You're right! It _is _my butcher knife!" Apparently Riku spent a little too long inspecting the knife, because a moment later, a second steak knife was stuck in the wood, only an inch away from the silver-haired head. Riku jerked away from the knife in shock. This one also had his name written on it.

"Oh, for the love of-" Riku yanked the knives out of the wall, and then with a frustrated sigh, kicked the door open. A broken shovel lay on the stairs, it had apparently been propping the door closed. He motioned for Sora to follow him, then ran down the stairs. The boys heard Kairi's angry yell behind them.

They jogged lightly away from the angry girl.

"Say, Riku. Why do you have _two _butcher knives?"

Riku turned to Sora. "You know, to butcher things," he said with a grin.

Sora refrained from commenting on Riku's total lack of tact. "Let's get off this island," he said instead.

They ran towards the small pier, but when they got to the dock they found that the boat that they came in had multiple holes in it.

There was a rumble of thunder, and it started to rain. Sora shivered as the cold drops soaked through his shirt. He looked up and saw Kairi -slowly but surely- advancing on them. He tugged on Riku's shirt to direct his attention onto the zombie.

"Riku..." he said warningly.

"...C'mon," his friend replied. He ran past the dock and up the little wooden walkway to the platform where Tidus liked to work on his sword-fighting skills (not that he had any).

"_Now_ what do we do?" asked Sora skeptically. In front of them was a steep drop into the ocean, on their left and right was rock, and behind them was Kairi.

"Now we jump," said Riku, if a little uncertainly.

"Wha-?" began Sora, but Riku put both knives in one hand, grabbed the front of Sora's shirt in the other, and jumped off the platform into the ocean, pulling Sora in with him. They hit the water with a large splash, and Sora managed to perform an award-winning belly flop. Once they both surfaced, Sora smacked Riku over the head. "That _hurt_, you idiot!"

Riku only shrugged in return. They looked up to see Kairi glaring down at them from the platform. She seemed uncertain as to whether she should jump.

She pointed at them menacingly. "I'm gonna _get _you!" and then she made her decision. She jumped.

Riku cursed softly and with much creativity. "Let's get away from here," he said to Sora, and began swimming away from where Kairi was. They swam as fast as they could to the other side of the island, the only sound was the pitter-patter of rain on the surface of the ocean.

Riku and Sora finally reached the beach where their raft had once stood. Sora looked around cautiously. "What are we going to do?"

"Well... how are you supposed to kill zombies?"

"I don't know how to kill a zombie!" exclaimed Sora, throwing his hands up into the air.

"Alright, what do you have in your pockets?" asked Riku after a moment. Sora rummaged about in the large pockets of his equally large red shorts.

"... A toothpick, a peppermint, some floss, my mom's business card, the key to my desk, a pencil sharpener, a small box of wax, a packet of sugar, a pen, a handkerchief, a check, a small bottle of shampoo..." they heard soft splashes slowly getting louder.

"So, in other words, nothing that we can use," said Riku hurriedly, he also started emptying out his pockets. "I got a two knives obviously, a lighter, film, a pair of sunglasses, seven condoms-"

"WHAT?" yelled Sora in outrage. "Just what were you expecting, Riku?"

Riku scoffed. "I know better then to expect anything from _you_, you prude. These are really old, I bet they're not even safe anymore."

"I am not a prude!" The rain got stronger.

Riku laughed. "I wouldn't risk trying anything on you before getting you _really _drunk-" he broke off. "I've got it!"

"Got what?" asked the clueless Sora.

"I figured out how to kill Kairi!" Riku paused, "...again..." he added reluctantly.

"I'm gonna eat your brains! Just... wait till I get there! I'll- I'll eat your brains!" Kairi yelled at them from the water. Sora glanced at her. She was moving faster now. Apparently the water had the same effect on her joints as oil on rusty door hinges.

Riku grabbed Sora's hand and led him into the small cave to the left of the beach. To Sora's great surprise, Riku lifted away a dark cloth to reveal a crate.

"This is my secret stash," said Riku with a grin. The crate was half full with bottles of quality vodka. Riku glanced out to see how far away the zombie was. Then he handed the two steak knives to Sora, and picked up the crate himself. "C'mon," he said to his smaller friend. By now Sora decided to refrain from asking questions, but simply resigned himself to never take _any_ drink from Riku ever again.

They ran back out to the beach, jumped across the wooden platforms, entered the wooden door, and emerged where they started: facing the small island with the paopu tree growing on it. They heard Kairi's vague frustrated yells from the other side of the island.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Sora before sitting down. Riku set down the crate of alcohol and threw a bunch of condoms at Sora.

"Fill these up with vodka," he said before opening a bottle and doing the same. Sora looked at the small packages in his lap in doubt before reaching for a bottle. Soon all seven of the condoms were filled.

"Tell me why we did that, please," asked Sora with exhaustion in his voice.

"Well," Riku replied merrily, "now we've got Vodka-baloons!"

Sora sat down on the sand with a sigh. "And what exactly will that achieve?"

Riku threw a 'balloon' at the ground near Sora and it burst, spraying the sand with alcohol. Sora wrinkled his nose and scooted away from the rubbery remains of the condom. Riku nodded with satisfaction.

"Here's the plan," said Riku. "Since I'm a nice guy and since I know that you'll make it up to me later," Riku winked at Sora who choose to ignore him, "I volunteer to be the bait."

Sora sat up. "The bait? What do we need bait for?"

"To lure her here, of course." Riku acted as if those words were self-evident. Sora acted as if those words had kicked him in the face.

"EH? Why would you want to lure her _here_? I thought that we were trying to get away from her?"

Riku blinked. "I thought that we were trying to get rid of her?" Sora choose this moment to stand back up. "They're the same thing, really. Almost…" continued Riku.

Sora rubbed his nose. "Alright. What's the rest of the plan?"

"Well… How good's her sense of smell, do you think?"

* * *

Kairi finally wandered through the door some time later. For the entire fifteen minutes Sora and Riku waited, filled with anxiety. Riku was standing under the wooden bridge, checking once again to see if a watch had miraculously appeared on his wrist. It hadn't. 

He looked up as he heard the door open. "There you are!" screeched the evil zombie. "Well, I'm gonna get you _now_!" Kairi hobbled towards them, her arms stretched out before her in the stereotypical way that zombies usually stretched out their arms in stereotypical horror movies about zombies.

Riku waited patiently, while slowly and unnoticeably –to Kairi at least- slipping his hand into his pocket.

"Yeah! Nothing's gonna save you _now_!" she exclaimed again.

"That very well may be," began Riku. And then a number of things happened in quick succession. Kairi lunged. Riku quickly jumped back to avoid her, but overbalanced and fell over onto his backside.

"SORA! NOW!" Riku yelled. Sora leaned over the edge of the bridge above them. Riku attempted to crawl away from Kairi. Kairi reached over and grabbed his ankle. Sora threw the vodka-balloons at Kairi, and each hit their mark. As soon as Riku felt the strong smell of the stuff reach his nose, he grinned and withdrew his hand from his pocket. Kairi's eyes widened in surprise as he uncapped the lid of his lighter. With a flick of his thumb there was a flame dancing on the top of the lighter, and then it was dancing on top of Kairi, as well. Riku pushed her under the bridge, away from the rain, pulled his ankle out of her grasp, and stepped back. And then he told her to burn in a not-very-nice place. Sora came down from the bridge and went to stand by Riku.

They watched Kairi burn calmly. Well, _she_ wasn't calm, _she_ was screaming. _Sora and Riku_ were calm. The latter put his arm around the former.

"I still don't see why we had to fill up those condoms," said Sora after a moment. "In my opinion we could have just thrown the bottles at her."

"Well, we could have, but they might not have broken."

"And I suppose you know this from experience?"

"Why yes, I do." Sora handed Riku a bottle, who uncorked it and went to pour its contents over the blaze that was Kairi. The fire burned brighter.

"You know, I suddenly have a craving for potatoes," said Sora wistfully.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum," replied Riku.

"Haven't you had enough alcohol for one day?"

"Not really, no."

They stood in silence for a few more moments. Kairi had finally stopped screaming, and was now being peacefully reduced to a pile of ashes.

"Well, that's that," said Riku.

Kairi chose this moment to stand up and lurch at them. Really, the reason that she had stopped screaming was the fact that the remains of her vocal chords had burned away. Sora squealed like a little girl and poked Kairi in the eye with his pen. She shrieked silently and the two boys stumbled away from her. She tried to get up, but found that she couldn't. She tried to crawl after them by grabbing at the ground, but the sand provided no leverage. Instead she clawed at the air in their general direction uselessly.

"Okay, now what?" asked Sora.

"Nothing," replied his silver-haired friend.

"What do you mean 'nothing'!" asked Sora in outrage. "There is a _zombie_ lying on the ground in front of us!" he said, enunciating every word with extreme care.

"Well, she's not chasing us, is she?"

"So what? Suppose someone came here and found her? How would we explain _that_?"

Riku shrugged noncommittally. "She can't blame us for anything, she's apparently mute."

Sora seemed uncertain. "Let's at least burn her some more…"

Kairi's already disfigured face formed into an even more disfiguring grimace of anger. She started clawing at the ground more actively, and even managed to crawl and inch or so forward.

"It won't do any good with her lying in the rain like that. We'll have to move her back under the bridge, and I'm not too keen on the idea of touching her," Riku said.

"Who ever said we have to touch her?" asked Sora, "Really, Riku. For someone with all the bright ideas, you're kinda disappointing." Riku scowled in response. "Riku, give me your shirt," Sora continued.

"WHAT? Why do we have to use _my_ shirt?"

"Because you're the big macho man. Now come on, give me your shirt," Sora held out his hand to Riku.

"But I _like _this shirt," whined Riku as he peeled his wet shirt off of his equally wet body. Sora took it and carefully wrapped it around the remains of Kairi's foot, then used it to pull Kairi back under the bridge.

"C'mon," he said to Riku once he was done, "pour the stuff over her, and light it." Riku did as he was told sulkingly. They once again watched Kairi burn. They sat down. They watched her burn some more. Riku checked his wrist again, but the watch refused to appear.

Finally Kairi was just a large pile of slightly damp ashes.

"I think we should bury her proper, this time," said Sora.

"You mean, in a box?" asked Riku.

"Sure, do you have a box lying around, somewhere?"

"Why yes, I do."

They gathered up the ashes and put them in an old shoebox that Riku brought out from the small shack the housed the stairs. And then they picked up the box and carried it to the secret place. Riku dug a deeper hole then last time with the remains of the shovel as Sora sat alternatively watching the box and watching Riku sweat as he dug. Once Riku was done, Sora placed the shoebox into the hole, and then helped fill it back in. They spent a little time patting the sand down, making it seem as thouh it had never been disturbed. They stood over the unmarked grave.

"I suppose we should say a few words," said Sora after a moment.

"Erm," began Riku, "Kairi was always very nice to animals."

Sora nodded approvingly. "Yes, yes, that's good. Um… she always gave very thoughtful gifts, and…"

Sora paused, thinking. Riku patted his short friend on the back. "I'm sure that that's enough," he said.

"Yeah," replied Sora. They left the secret place and stood in the rain.

Sora leaned on Riku's side and the two gazed at each other lovingly. After all, nothing brings two people together quite like defeating a zombie.

"You know," said Sora, "we still have no way to get home. She destroyed our boat."

Riku grinned. "Don't worry, I have a secret stash of blankets in the club house. I'm sure someone will come to find us in the morning."

"Yeah," said Sora with a distant smile, "in the morning…"

* * *

(1) This is (sort of) funny by itself in a sort of outdated way. When i was in fourth or fifth grade my friends would always joke about that (I never saw the movie, myself). The reason that this is extra funny is because a friend told me that Sora's voice was done by the boy from the sixth sense. I guess that it's a small world after all! 

What is it with Riku and his secret stashes, eh? Well, this is the rather cheerful end. For all you perverts out there, you can rest assured in the knowledge that they get it on like rabid bunnies. For all you innocents out there (of which I'm sure that there's only one), _you _can rest assured in the knowledge that nothing at all naughty happens between two teenage boys. The end was rather anti-climatic. I tried to make it less anti-climatic, and so it's around three thousand words long. Yeah, I think I'll try to write shorter chapters from now on. The lengthy authors notes don't really help, either.

Well… Review, please!


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